My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
