The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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