he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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