Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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