Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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