So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
