why didn't you poke me back
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
