Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
