yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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