I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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