awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
