guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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