yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
