The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
