How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
