I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
