My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
