Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
