my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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