I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Randomize
