TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
