I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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