i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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