There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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