he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
