The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
