I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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