im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Don't make out with my wife yet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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