you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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