So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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