i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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