Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
