I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
