If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
