Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
