Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
