i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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