When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
