Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
