I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
