why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
