I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
