Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
