Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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