Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
