Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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