life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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