I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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