Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
