Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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