8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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